I have a friend…

A letter about unconditional love

I have a friend who has truly taught me what unconditional love is and why it’s important. Unconditional love is a concept that should be intrinsic in everyone’s life. Unfortunately, that is not the case. People who have experienced any kind of abusive relationship, romantic or familial, may not entirely understand what being loved unconditionally means.

Coming back from being loved conditionally is really, really hard. There can be a loss of trust in others and yourself, a lowered self-esteem, negative self-talk and strained relationships. All of these things make it hard to believe that unconditional love exists, let alone that it is something deserved. Lately, I’ve been learning that many people in the world do not know how it feels to be loved unconditionally. I also see many people who take that unconditional love for granted.

I know what both look like. I have seen both first hand. However, sometimes unconditional love can go unnoticed because conditional love is so much louder. And like I said, it can be really challenging to reintegrate the idea that you deserve unconditional love and that conditional love alludes to an unhealthy relationship, be it familial, romantic or platonic.

This friend shook me awake. For so long, I have been lost to conditional love. I won’t type out a sob story for you, but all you need to know is that I unfortunately got stuck in a pretty tough cycle of conditional love. That’s not to say that there weren’t people in my life who loved me unconditionally, but like I said before, conditional love is so much louder. It gets into your core and just sits and rots there.

I have known this friend for a decade and a half. We have been really close friends pretty much since the day we met. There was just something about this person that drew me in. This friend is kind, empathetic, loyal, funny and loving. The energy that bounces between the two of us can be relaxed and chill, or chaotic and crazy, which makes each day a new and exciting one. 

This friend and I have had times of little to no communication. We’ve disagreed. We’ve even fought. We’ve had challenging moments in our friendship. For someone who believed that platonic unconditional love didn’t exist, I was terrified every time any of these things happened. What would I do without this friend in my life? 

After a conversation we had, I was contemplating our friendship. I have also been reading All About Love by bell hooks, which talks primarily about what unconditional love looks like. I realized over the course of a couple weeks that I was experiencing unconditional love from this friend.

This friend wanted to tell me when the energy between us was off, or if someone did something the other didn’t like or when we disagreed on something. Talking through it was the only way through it. This friend wants to deal with challenging moments as much as they want to celebrate accomplishments and exciting news. The love and care used to address each conversation is truly where the love lies. It’s all in the language and motivation.

I recently thanked this friend. For all the love, motivation, excitement and empathy I’ve received over the years. This friendship has the ability to stand the test of time because of the love shared on both sides.

I truly hope that everyone reading this has experienced a friendship like this. And if you feel you haven’t, think about it again. My guess is that there is at least one person in your life who shows you unconditional love. Remember, that type of love can be hidden because it comes easy. Nothing about it should be hard. Even tough times shouldn’t make you feel small or insane.

If you’re reading this and see yourself in it, thank you. Thank you for loving someone for who they are, where they’re at and where they’re going. Your love is important to someone and if they don’t acknowledge it every day, just know that they appreciate it.